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| If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, then why practice? | | |
| Change? I guess, I don't have it in me. As much I want change in my life. I can't seem to change the way I do things. I hate the way I deal with situations, but for some reason I continue to keep going down that same dead end road. I told myself I'd never do this again, I promised myself, I promised. I guess I have no integrity. I used to pride myself on having good morals and setting a high standard for myself. I see it slipping more and more everyday. I don't know if it's inborn to be an idiot like this or what. I really thought for the longest time that I could do better than the people who raised me. I figured I was a better person inside. But, lately I feel like I'm not at all. I've basically said 'fuck it' to everything. I have lost a considerable amount of care for a lot of things I used to hold so high. What does that say about me? I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean anything, but I am. You really don't deserve this at all. You know that, I know that. That is what I don't understand. Why can't things be easier? Why can't I just be normal? It seems like everyone that gets close to me, I hurt them sooner or later. I feel like a real piece of shit. I know I am. As much as it hurts me, I feel like you'd be better without me. I know that's not what you want, it's not what I want really. I'm just to destructive. I don't know I just need some time to thing about everything. I don't blame you if you don't want to wait, I just don't know what to think. I love you. Whatever happens, it'll be for the best. 
I just don't recognize these people anymore. That makes me sad. | | |
| I wish I didn't have to write in this stupid fucking blog. But, guess what, every time I get down I write in it. This is the way I vent. I just wish I didn't have to. I wish I never got down. Whatever. I'm so fucking tired of life. I've been fighting an up hill battle for far too long. I am seriously very close to giving up on all my stupid aspirations. I mean what would really happen if I just gave up? Nothing. Oh no, I'd lose my perfect little world. I'd lose my dog, house, car, job. Oh no. I don't give a fuck anymore. I think I'm just going to pack up, leave it all behind. I'm tired of trying so fucking hard for nothing. I know leaving won't solve anything, but why not? I need a fucking change of scenery. I'd rather be homeless on a beach in Florida, than have a house in this fucking situation. At least if I was homeless I would have anything to worry about other than eating that day. Heh, I do that now. What's the fucking difference? The worst part is, I can't point the finger at anyone else. This is all on me. I've bitten off too much. I wasn't cut out for success. I should have never tried for it. I just want to be alone. I know that's going to sting for some that read this. But, this is how I feel right now. I hate what my life has become. I hate who I am. I hate the person I look at in the mirror every fucking day. No matter how much I drink. I'm not an alcoholic, but I wish I was. I'm not a smoker, but I wish I was. I do smoke a little, but I can't seem to find that calming effect I want from it. It's pointless. Like everything. Like writing in this stupid fucking blog. Fuck it. Here we go again, huh? | | |
| I went and saw the midnight showing last night. I had hyped this movie up so much to myself, I thought it was going to be great. Well, this is all the downers before the movie. First, it was at midnight, so I had to sit and wait all day. Second, when we got there, there was an extremely long line, that sucked. Then, when we finally into the theater, it was about completely packed. So, we had to sit in the front fucking row. My neck was hurting before the trailers even started. It was so damn loud up there too. But, in spite all that. It was amazing. It gripped me in from beginning to end. It fucking rocks. I think I am going to see it again today. Hopefully, I'll get a better seat. I recommend this move to anyone who enjoys comic book films or any action films for that matter. Heath Ledger does phenomenal. I love this movie. | | |
| I'm stuck right now. Very stressed. I have so many decisions to make. I have no idea. I'll be fine, I guess. I feel like I may be losing one of my bestfriends really soon. I know we'll still be friends, but when you live with someone you grow a huge bond. I know this sounds extremely gay. I don't care. This sucks for me. I have very few friends that I consider irreplaceable. He is definitely one. Not only am I losing a friend, I'm losing a drummer. This may be the end of Guraja. This is not good for me at all. I eat and sleep this band. I hope we'll be able to figure this out. I wish it wasn't happening right now. Bad timing at it's worse. I want to move. I'm seriously tired of this black hole of an area. I love my friends. I really don't mind the physical layout either. But, I hate the fact that there's absolutely no opportunity here unless you want to work in a factory your whole life. I am not content with that. So, that proposes a problem. Where? I don't know. I was thinking maybe Peoria. But, I need to do a little research. I don't want to move somewhere just to hate it too. I want to move somewhere I can spend the rest of my life. I have awhile though. Alyssa doesn't graduate until December. So, I have a little while to decide. I'll work it out. | | |
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